|What You Need To Do Before Looking For Dating Advice|
|Posted by Khiem in: Advice, Articles|
It’s easy to complain. I hear it a lot, whether from friends or even from random people at the bar talking a bit too loud
“Why can’t I meet someone?” laments a girl.
“I can never meet someone I am attracted to”, says another.
“I can’t get a girlfriend,” one man says.
“No one ever asks me out,” chimes another woman.
People like to blame circumstances for their inability to meet who they like. And even when the truth is staring straight at them, they give themselves excuses to their own excuses.
“I’m just too busy”
“All men are assholes anyway.”
“I’m fat right now”
“I’m too shy”
“I just need to get really buff and all the girls will want me”
“Maybe after I’m done with <insert whatever your current goal is>, I’ll have time to meet THE ONE for me.”
It’s actually pretty saddening if you think about it.
If you were to look at your dating life through those lenses, who wouldn’t think that something is wrong with you? This is why it’s so natural for many of you to get sucked into the next best dating advice in your favorite Cosmo or Men’s Health magazines. Everyone wants a quick fix.
When it comes to men, we are naturally problem solvers. I see it even more with the men who turn to pick-up advice. They see a problem, their inability to meet women, and they want a fix NOW! They want to believe so hard in the magic of instant pick-up that they’ll listen to the first snake oil salesman that makes half a decent sense.
But here’s the simple truth. Before you turn to dating advice, before you hire someone to teach you how to date, even before you email me for tips, ask yourself this:
- What am I doing to meet people? In this case, people you’d be sexually attracted to.
- And consequently, what am I doing to set up dates?
In sales, there’s a simple rule that all great salesmen live by: activity. If you don’t have activity, you will never find your next deal, your next close, your next paycheck. In sales, activity is measured by the number of meetings you have with prospective clients to basically market your services and products. And from… let’s say 10 meetings set, you’ll actually run 5 or 6 (the others will flake on you) and maybe 3 will end up doing business with you (the rest won’t be interested).
But even before you can get a meeting with a prospective client, there’s a lot of things you have to do! You have to prospect, you have to build a name for yourself through networking, you sometimes have to cold call if you aren’t good at prospecting, you have to set up seminars and workshops… etc. Anything and everything that you can think of to make yourself be in front of people, you’ve got to do.
So relating back to your dating life, how are you building activity? Take a hard look at what you are doing. I know we are all creatures of habits… so are there habits you need to change?
How many people are you meeting a week? How many people are you getting phone numbers from? How many people are you genuinely attempting to connect with on your favorite dating site? Then out of all the people you’ve contacted, how many people did you actually set up a time and day to meet with, to go out with?
If you haven’t managed to go out at least twice a week with the intent of meeting someone new, or at least talk to someone new, you haven’t done enough to justify your whining about your dating life. Without talking to someone new, without meeting a “qualified lead,” no matter how you slice it, you are not going to have that date. And as such, you are not going to get that girlfriend, that boyfriend or that super duper hot hook-up.
I know some of you will actually tell me that you are already having lots of social activity in your life, yet you still can’t find that elusive boyfriend or girlfriend. For you, I’d want to ask you this: how many of these outings are one-on-one outings? If you aren’t having one-on-one outings, you are not going to have that quality personal time with the person you need to have to get that that boyfriend or girlfriend.
As much as we like our friends, wingmen or wing women to be with us, dating is a single’s sport, not a group sport. (Yep, I’m looking at you Asian people.)
What dating advice can do best for you is give you pointers on how you can improve your ratio of people you’ve gotten phone numbers from to people you actually have a date with… and from there, improve the ratio of people you have dates with to people with whom you have a real romantic connection.
So… until you try to have that level of social activity, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You don’t need dating advice. You don’t need a dating coach. What you need is to build up hobbies, social activities and a lifestyle that allow you to meet more people.