How Love Sometimes Drive Us Insane
Posted by Khiem in: Articles

I met a new client.  When he first called me, he sounded in a panic.  He said he needed help immediately and was told by another client of mine that I was the only guy to go to.

On the phone, he spoke fast.  Just like a 13 year old girl who just went through some major romantic drama, he felt like he was going through a life and death situation.

I listened to him for a few minutes but he was frantic.  I was still unclear what he wanted from me.

I met him, a few hours later, at his house.

***

A former client of mine called me yesterday too, multiple times.  He couldn’t hold onto himself.  He was feeling down, like really really really down.  He needed someone to talk to.  He needed to vent.  I’ve actually never heard him in such emotional distress and he’s a big guy too, very masculine, pretty secure in himself, flirty and playful but when it came to this one girl, he was at a loss.

He needed me to reassure him that everything was going to be ok.  So… even at 2 a.m., I took his call.

***

Another former client of mine called today.  It seems that when I least expect it, everyone decides to call me around the same time.  At the time I was coaching him, he wanted to be a little bit of a player.  So I helped him flirt with a few women and eventually helped him hook up with a few of them.

Today though, in just a few more months, he’ll be married… to the woman that I made him realize was worth not letting go.  He needed some guidance.  There was a situation at work he wasn’t sure how to handle… and his fiance has been complaining to him about giving mixed signals on his interest in her sexually.

*****

Everyone wants to fall in love.

Yes, you, and you and you and you…. and me.  It sounds like such a simple pursuit… but it totally drives us bat shit insane.

Sheeps in Love

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up almost a year ago… but when I feel lonely, I start replaying memories of my relationship with her.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t met someone that truly grabs my attention yet but I remember the good feelings we had.  I remember the fun we had.  I remember the hot sex we had.  I remember the connection we shared.  I even remember the playful quirks we found in each other.

She was the only one who discovered that if she was to caress or kiss me on my back around my spine, I get super ticklish.  I literally start squirming like a little girl.  How unmanly for a man, right?  But that’s what made her special among many other things.  She saw things in me I didn’t see or believe enough about myself.

As much as I’m a constant flirt with girls I meet, sometimes I think of other previous girlfriends too.  I wonder what they are doing, I wonder if they found the thing that they were looking for that I couldn’t give them.  I don’t know about you guys but I only seem to remember the good parts of my relationship with them.  To me, there’s always a glimmer of hope that maybe one day… I could recreate that feeling with them (even though I’m not trying to at all).

Maybe I’m a little of a hopeless romantic inside and yes, I can admit that as a man but the most beautiful thing about it is that I always cherish the love I felt for each one of them… and the kind of love they gave back to me.  There’s always a soft spot for them in my heart.

Love… everyone wants it.

We don’t always know how to handle it.  We don’t always know how to express it.  We don’t always know where to find it.  We don’t always want to acknowledge it but we all want to fall in love.  We want to feel those butterflies in our stomach.  We want to feel that excitement when he or she calls you back.  We want to feel that anticipation of not knowing what’s going to happen next.  Even more so, we want to feel special to someone.  We want to feel loved.

The shy girl secretly wants someone to notice her.  The hot girl wants someone to see her for more than what other sees her for.  The player wants a woman who can spark something in him in ways that other women haven’t been able to.  The successful business man wants someone to build and share the life of success he’s already created for himself.  The artist wants to find the one to whom he can truly channel his passion towards.  The sexually driven woman wants someone who can not only handle but also reign in her sexual drive in addition to making her feel totally cherished and honored.

We deny it.  We sometimes repress it.  For whatever reasons, we sometimes tell ourselves we aren’t ready for a committed relationship right now.  For some of us, we even run away or mask whatever pain we feel by acting out sexually or worse, by hiding out from people or from ourselves.  Other times, we actually walk away from a perfectly good relationship because we secretly are afraid of losing it.

But the truth is… for the right person, with the right person, we’d give everything for it.  We would feel confident and empowered by it.

I know that with any of my serious girlfriends, I would have changed my life to make things work with them.  Some of them weren’t ready… or patient enough to understand the kind of commitment I was willing to make… and I’m not holding it against them.

But I see it around me, around us.  There’s a shot at love for us everywhere.  It eludes us a lot of time… but it’s right there even though we are sometimes blind to it.

My clients are a constant reminder of that for me and that’s why I love what I do.

That new client I talked about at the beginning of this post?  He’s actually in his 60s, very successful in his business.  He lives in a beautiful house and I was surprised to find out he also led a swinger lifestyle… He’s had more sexual partners than most men would have in their lifetime but when his girlfriend left him because she “fell in love” with the wrong kind of man, he was crushed.

For her, he would have done anything, including giving up aspects of his current sexual lifestyle… so when she became single again, he wanted her back.

Is it foolish of him?  Maybe… but he is determined to enlist my help in hopes of making her truly and passionately fall in love with him.

I’m no miracle worker… but I get it.  That’s what love do to us.  And I think I can help him.

Most women think that men can’t feel the way they do.  They think we don’t sometimes get anxious or nervous about them.  They think we are sometimes inconsiderate or that we don’t think about them.  They sometimes think us emotionless or heartless.  Yes, some men are… but all the men I’ve personally helped are not that way at all.

We feel just as much as the woman… and just like them, we don’t always know how to express it out.

The other former client I talked about who felt really really down?  He was driving himself nuts because the one woman he felt so strongly about… didn’t text him back within the same day when he thought their last date went well.

He dated her long distance a few years ago.  But because of long distance… and other circumstances I won’t go into, he couldn’t commit to her right then and there.  He lived on the East coast, she lived in the Midwest.  How could it have worked?

Fast forward to today, he lives in the same city as she does and they start chatting again, he meets up with her last Sunday… and seeing her just brings back all the emotions he’s had for her… which completely overwhelms him and scares him at the same time.  Not sure how to express that to her, he plays it cool.  When she asks him “we are friends, aren’t we?”, he casually replies “yes of course!”, not convinced yet that she still had feelings for him.

Love makes us act foolish… but we all crave it.  Without it, nothing means much.  Even sex feels empty without it.

falling-in-love-rocks-funny-sign

I actually almost hooked up with an older woman last Saturday… but she wasn’t right.  She did something that totally turned me off and she wasn’t the kind of woman where I felt was worth fighting other guys for.  I knew it was going to be nothing more than sex… and if it was just that, I wasn’t willing to work so hard for it even though, I would have definitely enjoyed the sexy time.

And that former client who is about to get married?  He’s been getting so comfortable talking with his fiance, taking her out, planning his life with her, being her best friend that he started neglected making her feel sexually desired.  He was forgetting to keep flirting with her, to keep fucking her regularly… and she was losing those butterfly feelings that made their relationship so exciting.

And in all this, I feel lucky to have played even a small role helping these men and these women navigate through the emotions so that they could not only find themselves, but find the ones they truly love.

People call me a dating coach… but sometimes I don’t even know if that’s really what I do.  I don’t know what other dating coaches do but I don’t just dish out the latest tips and tricks on how to find love.

A lot of times, what I find myself doing is just helping people manage their own emotions and relationship with themselves… so they can have the kind of relationship they want with others.

So it’s your turn to talk now.  What are some of the things that drove you crazy while held captive by love?

P.S.  I’m totally getting addicted to reading imboycrazy.com.  I have no idea who this girl is… but I love the raw honesty in her posts.  In some ways, she indirectly inspired this post.

P.P.S.  I know I’m late on my postings but I’ve been having computer issues for the last month.  New content coming soon, I promise.

P.P.P.S.  I’m looking for someone to redesign my logo and potentially my site to take it to the next level.  If you want to get involved.  Let me know.


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14 Responses to “How Love Sometimes Drive Us Insane”

  1. Ian Says:

    D-A-R-K. This four letter word has bmeoce ever-so-poignant to me since Saturday’s Fall Back , when darkness shrouds my mornings, evenings, and presently, my mind. In fact, even that phrase, falling back, also strikes a significant chord this evening, as I sit on my couch wondering why I feel as crazy as I did 3 years ago when I joined a 12 step program to help me kick sugar. The worst part is that tonight I taught a Raw/Living Foods class and came home to study for my nutrition program I am enrolled in, and instead have made some concoction out of dates and tahini, calling it healthy, but knowing my mind and spirit are anything but healthy at the present moment. I thought I was done with these patterns. Wasn’t it just two weeks ago I felt trim, powerful, on top of things? It was a week ago tonight my friend and I vowed we were not going to make any sweets natural sweeteners or otherwise until Thanksgiving. Like clockwork, my mind, body and spirit instantly cried Mutiny! How dare she try to control us . Since then, I’ve had a daily rendezvous with the food processor and dates. Like so many of you have thankfully shared, I am not alone in thinking that behaving my way into submission is the resolution. As a healthy woman diagnosed with bipolar just two years ago a year after being sugar and caffeine free and wondering why I still cycled up and down so much I’ve witnessed my cycles and can attest to their affect on my food choices. It is a real variable in my daily experience; it is not one to be ignored, hidden, shamed-away any more than I would curse my friendliness. I like to utilize the phrase AND in these moments I find myself caught between black-and-white, right-or-wrong, good-or-bad. How about being friendly AND bipolar? What about being healthy and struggling with food at times? I called my friend this evening the one who I’m assuming is eating raw carrots and tree-bark while I consume the world and left her a message. I admitted I wasn’t doing well on our goal , that I was struggling with my food, with depression, with darkness right now, but then I told her that I was ok with this, that I know it will pass, that there is learning in where I am right now. It was the same compassion I’d offer her were she to have called to tell me the same thing. In this small digital gesture, I told my soul that I am ok, right now, right here, AND this gives me space to choose again.

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