|A Female Perspective of the PUA Summit, pt. 1|
|Posted by RadiantSun in: Announcements & News, First Impressions, Product Reviews|
Hey guys, this is RadiantSun. I didn’t meant to make you guys wait for me. I know Khiem said I’d post my entry the day after his but he and I had to make sure
would really get something out of my writing… so without further ado, here’s part one of my perspective of the Los Angeles PUA Summit 2007.
Have you ever woken up and felt a little uncomfortable with what you did the day before?
That’s how I felt the morning after the PUA Summit. I worked there as a volunteer because I was interested in learning about what the Seduction Community was teaching men and I wanted to help out my friend Johnny Wolf, whom I’ve met through Khiem. My biggest discomfort came from the fact that I felt I was being publicly too supportive and I didn’t make my voice and my real opinions be heard enough when I disagreed.
When I went, I really wanted to like every speaker but in truth, it wasn’t the case. I liked some of the speakers, from the message they had, to how they presented themselves, their ideas, their goals, and their hopes for other members of the Community but with some other ones, I felt like I was in second grade. I was bored and I thought that any woman with self-esteem would not fall for that crap.
I understand that some of the techniques (even if it’s crap) obviously work for some men and not others. It also works on some women and not others, but some of the “crap” that seems to work plays on the fact that some (younger) women really aren’t sure about themselves. They don’t know what they want, especially with men and it doesn’t matter if they are a bitch or not. Is it what you guys want to play with? The self-assurance that a confident man (not boy) would want from a high quality woman doesn’t usually come until the woman reaches her late 20’s, early 30’s or later, rarely earlier. Unfortunately, sometimes it never happens.
I also know that some of the techniques taught are designed to knock-out a woman’s “bitch shield,” but have you ever stop to consider why we even have those in the first place? We want to meet real, genuine and masculine men. We have bitch shields to protect us from being hurt. If you were being real with us, we wouldn’t need our bitch shield up.
Another big concern for me was the issue of safer sex. Women love sex just as much as men, maybe more, but I was worried to note that the use of condoms was only mentioned once. It was only mentioned in the Vin DiCarlo Escalation Ladder and it wasn’t even talked about in a manner to remind men to practice safer sex. Instead, “Do you want me to get the condom?” was used to bypass the woman’s resistance in removing her panties when she’s already being aroused by your foreplay skills. If you’re having sex, please don’t be a disease vector too!
STDs, testing, and prevention was never discussed. I had a one-on-one conversation with a guy who seemed concerned with ethical sexual behavior. What I shared with him are two guidelines that I think will help:
- Get tested regularly, for everything. Get vaccinated for HPV (difficult to find a place that will vaccinate men but they exist, call aim-med) and hepatitis (any GP Dr.)
- Be honest with the type of relationship you want. There are many women who don’t want a relationship and just want sex. If that’s all you want, those women are great matches. If you know you are not going to marry the girl or don’t want to be monogamous with her, tell her upfront so that she is free to make her own decisions about what is right for her. It may surprise you but there are quite a few young women who are comfortable with that kind of thing.
I really feel that the risky parts of sex got glossed over, and that’s unfair to you guys and the girls you are having sex with.
Now, let’s talk about the speakers. I’m paraphrasing a lot, so not everything may be 100% accurate.
The second person I met at the summit was Vince Kelvin. I had a hard time taking Vince seriously. He dressed very peacock-ish (aka way over the top, especially for his age). His attire didn’t provide him the credibility or high value status that I expected, which interfered with my ability to respect him. However, since he was one of the event organizer, I followed his instructions. Overall, the summit was very well organized but to me, Vince seemed disorganized when coordinating the volunteers… probably because he was always scrambling to get the next thing accomplished. I think it worked well anyway because the volunteers were all smart people to begin with.
Johnny’s sister was also a volunteer. I really liked her. I felt more comfortable knowing that there was another intelligent female who was in support of what the Community had to teach. It was also cool for me to see siblings helping each other out.
The first speaker I heard was Johnny Soporno.
He was an older man, somewhat round, and had thinning hair. He talked about the evolution of the concept of property, farming, plots of land, control, etc. He explained that when you own something and you cannot walk away from it, it owns you too. For example, if you own a house and you can’t walk away from it, you become slave to it as it owns you too. One of the most important things I think he said was:
Women are not property. You do not own them. They do not own you. This does not mean we do not want to be together but if we are together, it is out of choice, not obligation.
Violet Marcell, his girlfriend, was on stage with him but she was not his only woman. Johnny Soporno is explicitly honest with every woman he is with. He is not a one woman man and has two rules for himself:
1) that he must not be the only cock a woman is getting
2) I forgot the other one but I remember feeling like it was reasonable.
I can see that he is a very sexually open person even though he dresses kind of like one of my geek friends. I surprisingly didn’t have a problem with anything I heard him say. He came from a place of deep honesty with who he was and with what his intentions were. He is 100% okay with a girl not being interested in what he has to offer. He is very non-needy and that made him attractive. He also didn’t like to judge women by calling them sluts when they are just sexually open and free. You shouldn’t have to call any woman a slut, whether you sleep with them or not. This only hurts you in the long run.
I talked to him a little off-stage to ask his opinion on a past relationship. The guy told me I could see other men as long as I didn’t tell him about it because he was going to do the same. I wasn’t sure how to take that. I didn’t want to do anything I couldn’t talk about so I never slept with anyone else. That obviously didn’t work for me long term. Johnny Soporno compared his behavior to the “Gays in the Military: don’t ask, don’t tell” philosophy. In his opinion, it doesn’t work. It comes from the place of “I don’t care as long as I don’t know” and that is dishonest, particularly to yourself. It always seemed a little chicken-shit to me, it was nice to have confirmation from an intelligent male who lived this lifestyle and had clearly put a lot of thought into how to make it work optimally. He also gave me a link to his site, Seductive Reasoning. I will
watch it this weekend.
He had a lot of energy, and was a young wiry, well-groomed and normally dressed guy. He intentionally referred to himself as an AFC. His modesty made him charming. His main idea was: if you go to a club, meet and be friendly with everyone. Getting social proof builds comfort automagically ahead of time for you. People notice you the same way they notice a hot girl being approached by many men. They will look at you, smile at you and get curious about you as you are walking around the room building your value.
Like a true socialite, he said:
Don’t sleep with the first girl you meet. You might like her friend more.
I have found this to be true for myself as well. I like to spend time getting to know a guy and his friends because one of his friends may be a better match for me, and one of my friends may be a better match for him. I’ve also found remaining friends is a good way to too. For example, one of my ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend whom I became friends with is now passionately involved with one of my ex-boyfriends.
Adam had an amazingly hot and friendly girlfriend. I asked him:
Me: What do you like about her?
Him: She challenges me. There are times I just can’t stand her. She gets on my nerves but when I tell her something, she doesn’t always take it. She challenges me right back.
It sounds like they are both very confident in themselves. I could definitely see the loving and fun chemistry between them.
I really liked Adam’s energy. He encourages people to be socially dynamic and engaging which is so important if you want to become that fun, loving guy. His confidence and his love for having fun and connecting people really made him stand out.
Tung from Social Relations Institute
I think Tung was my favorite speaker for the content of his speech… even though he has room to grow as a presenter. He was an Asian guy, normally yet fashionably dressed. His overall message was: be well-intentioned.
“Be confident in who you are.”, he said. “If you are a likable social person, people will like you. Treat others the way you wish to be treated.” I’d like to add that if you treat yourself like crap, you aren’t going to be able to treat others well. Being well-intentioned, to me, means treating each other with respect and the way to respect a woman is different than the way you give a man respect. You don’t have to treat each other the same. It is about approaching the other person without stepping on their masculinity or femininity.
One thing that made Tung different from the other speakers was his opinion on approach anxiety. Anxiety is a good thing. The more anxiety you feel about approaching a girl, the more you know you like her — pay attention to that. It’s good! Tung was taking an existential position with this idea and I could really relate to it. Anxiety is in fact natural and has a place in our lives. We can in fact work with it, rather than having it work against us.
That Tung conveyed a sense of genuine caring both for his students and for the women he engaged with made him very attractive.
ThunderCat was a heavy set bald guy. From appearance alone, you would not have thought he was a master PUA. However, as he spoke with calm confidence, I found him attractive too. He carried some very powerful and important messages that I think men AND women could benefit from:
Don’t be ashamed of being male (or female!). Be confident. Love yourself. Women are people too (so are men!).
His take on approach anxiety came at an angle I had never thought of before, and it made perfect sense. The number one reason guys are afraid of hot women is not because of fear of rejection. We get rejected everyday. We ask a friend to the movies, he/she says “no.” We ask if the restaurant we are at has steak, they say “no, we’re out.” It’s no big deal. We in fact get rejected daily. Rejection is not what we are afraid of. Instead, we are afraid of judgment.
People are naturally judgmental. When you judge someone, the concept of reciprocity works somewhere in the back of your brain so you end afraid of the judgment that may come from the other person and that will come from yourself. When you judge them positively, you put them on a pedestal so you become afraid of the judgment you give yourself for not attracting them.
You are your own worst critic. You know your flaws best but no one else really knows them but you. This concept is something I’ve written about before and trust me guys, you are not alone in having a yapping inner critic. Thundercat’s advice works for men and women: stop being so JUDGMENTAL of yourself and others. Many of the guys in the PUA Community rate women on a 1-10 scale. Thundercat prefers his own scale: is she “good enough” or “not good enough”? That’s it. You shouldn’t judge your friends on how hot their partners are either. If they are happy, who cares?
Another salient point he made was that:
When you are comfortable with negative emotion, you train yourself to accept that and so when positive emotion comes your way, it seems out of place.
On using trickery and deceit in seduction, he said:
You can trick but it is only in the moment and in the long run, it will cost you when she discovers you aren’t you. Women are human beings, they have free will and you cannot make someone do anything they didn’t want to do, even if you trick them in the moment. You can only control you. You can’t control others. When you are a positive non-judgmental person, women (people) want to naturally be with you.
The only point I want to quibble with is: “You cannot make someone do anything they didn’t want to do, even if you trick them in the moment.” By virtue of tricking someone, you are providing a false context and you are taking away their ability to make a fully informed decision. By hiding information or misleading them, they can’t soundly choose if they want to do something or not.
On the other hand, I agree with his point that trickery is not doing you any favors. I think that if a person feels the need to trick someone into liking them, it implies that they find flaws or failings within themselves and feel they aren’t good enough for the other person. This proves that the person is not truly confident in him/herself. It tells me their inner critic is still sitting on a shoulder shouting down their value and pushing away happiness. It could also be the person is a scumbag. It happens and they will get their comeuppance eventually.
He was dressed in a trendy way with some black eyeliner, which always looks funny to me when it’s on anyone who isn’t a goth kid. In time, I’m sure I’ll get used to men wearing make up. I like that men can now have that burden too. 😉
puaL was the first speaker who took me a while to warm up to. His opening joke rubbed me the wrong way. While dining at a restaurant, his beautiful girlfriend leaned over and told him “Paul, I’m pregnant.” He then stood up, picked her up and punched her in the stomach. Sorry guys, I don’t find that
funny. Yes, it is a “joke” but it is a cheap joke. I’m sure he didn’t mean it this way but a joke that tacitly condone violence against women (or anyone) is not humorous to me. A lot of these kinds of jokes are ubiquitous in our culture, and often slip by unnoticed. You may get a few laughs but it’s
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just inappropriate. I don’t remember what he said next because I was too busy being appalled.
His story would have been the perfect opportunity to remind guys of the consequence of condomless sex or the incorrect use of condoms (which can also make a girl pregnant) but since he didn’t, I will again. A girl being “on the pill” does not guarantee that she is 100% safe from pregnancy or STDs, especially if she is also taking antibiotics or St. John’s Wart. I know that some girls will lie to you and as many of you can imagine, end up knocked up! Remember that the pill has ZERO protection against
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STDs. If you don’t know how to put on a condom properly or remove it properly, learn how here.
When I put my gut reaction aside and listen to his content without being emotionally charged, I admit that puaL has a some good messages. Don’t be ashamed of what you want or who you are. If you want to tell a pretty girl she is pretty, do it. For example, “I noticed you. You’re very pretty and I wanted to tell you that today.”
He also talked about beliefs. You should examine where your beliefs come from. Are they really yours?
He then reaffirmed like many other speakers that the most seductive thing you can do is to be 100% you. Being unique and special makes you infinitely valuable. This is good advice. By being 100% you, you will attract someone that is a good match for you.
He proceeded to demonstrate how to successfully approach women on the streets, even when you are using a pick-up line. As I walked across the stage, he addressed me with: “If you were a booger, I’d pick you first. I just wanted you to know that.” I have to confess. It made me laugh. It was a good opener just because it was so absurd but his use of a pick-up line wasn’t what made me laugh. It was how he said it. If you are a PUA worth your salt, you should already know how tonality, body language, eye contact all convey messages beyond the spoken word. His non-verbal communication was attractive.
This slightly strange looking guy, tall, thin and wiry with trendy clothes, messy hair and smeared eyeliner knew how to carry himself with confidence. It’s hard to explain. Some things can’t be explained with words. Confidence is something you have to see in action to get it. If you looked at all the things he demonstrated on stage and removed that air of confidence from him, everything would look really silly.
Basically, “learn the PUA tools, so you can drop them. Trust yourself”, he said. A wise professor once taught me that when you over learn something, you make the conscious unconscious. It is the last step of the four steps to
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competence which are:
- unconscious incompetence
- conscious incompetence
- conscious competence
- unconscious competence
Three other things I liked from puaL’s presentation was:
- People don’t want to be dicks or bitches.
- This is not about getting laid, that’s a side benefit.
- People move nations by communication.